Currently The Foundation By Zac Brown Band see related

Update On Life

So here goes.

Jaelynn Willow is 7 months old now. She's stubborn, rebellious, and rude. Abusive, even. But God I love her. She's so funny; she gets a kick out of beating up her uncle. She looks JUST like her daddy, and most say it's a bad thing. Not me, though; he always was cuter than me =D She loves to walk in her walker, she picks it up like a lady in a hoop skirt lmao! She won't really crawl yet, though. She can; just doesn't much want to. I was worried for a while, but no, she's just lazy rofl. She loves Spongebob, she'll yell at the screen when he's on and bang her fists, it's hilarious. She's teething, poor girl; drools like a faucet. Has been since Month 3. You can feel the teeth trying to break the surface. Feel bad for her. Don't cry much anymore though, which is good. It's hard to find clothes to fit her cause she's so tall. She is in an 18 month sundress right now, barely reaches her knees. It's gonna be tough when she gets older !  

I have a new job: stock bitch at a general store. They are putting me on register cause they don't care for the girl that was doing it. Gonna fire her, is the plan. Which is fine, but they're leaving me alone at night to close: which I do NOT find fine. I hate balancing out, and my mom knows it....she is my general manager. But money is money, etc.

I have a new apartment! I love it! The living room is BIG and it's got many windows. My room is big and my rent is $60 a month + electric. It's just big enough for me and Jae. And my boyfriend, should he decide to finally move to Knox!

Lee. Lee is...Lee! No words describe him; he's too complicated. He and I have liked each other for a LONG time; like a year. Never said anything, he had a gf and I was with someone I was beginning to hate. (Chuck)...So we never said anything. Well, he and I started talking again when I was single, and he broke up with his gf (he says for me but you know). We told each other how we felt and started talkin more. He is just astounding in so many ways. I thought I loved Tony, I thought those feelings were so strong nothing could change them. But here comes Lee and he's changed the way I look at love and being with someone. I don't even give a second thought when I see Tony's picture. He is my past now, and I couldn't have a future with someone I don't love. Lee has a heart condition and every so often he'll ask me, Does it change anything? Of course it doesn't. He's afraid he'll die before we can get married. I know I may seem fickle but this? This is real; more real than Tony, Chuck, John-E, or anyone I've ever been with. Lee is just someone I want more than anything in this world. He's bought a ring but I don't wear it yet. It seems too fast for me; we've been officially dating for 2 months! I know I love him; I have almost since we've started talking. And he loves me too; I hear it & see it every day. I love him.

Anger and Rage Just as Plain as the Page

So here I am at home, minding my own business. We are struggling for survival so to speak, we have food for two nights and no paycheck until next week. And my brother comes waltzing in, with 2 friends. Who eat like crazy. We have 1 pack of chicken and a dozen eggs and what do they do but head for the fridge. I tell my brother that we cannot afford to feed them and he tells me to stop being such a bitch.

Tonight, Jim makes dinner. My stomach is growling. I skip dinner because Jim's friend had seconds and I want my mom to have something eat when she comes home. Jim leaves a sink full of dirty dishes from last night, which is our agreement is his turn to wash. And he tells me to get off my ass and wash the dishes like a woman should and to stop being such a lazy cunt. And yes, those are the words he used.

What went wrong here? I would like to know what went wrong. He used to be a smart cute nice sweet little kid and now he is the biggest arrogant self righteous jerk I know. Ever since he turned 18 he thinks he runs the house and is always trying to boss everyone around, even our mom. He tells her that he doesn't care or wants to care about what she says cause it doesn't matter anyway cause he's the MAN of the house now so she should listen to HIM. Took up smoking and chewing tobacco. Drinks. He only turned 18 in November ! What the hell happened? I don't think he'd be this disrespectful 1. If his friends would stop coming over, all he does is show off and 2. If he'd have gotten whippings when he was growing up.

Currently If By Mindless Self Indulgence Never Wanted To Dance see related

RANT AND RANDOMNESS

Here goes.

I had a beautiful girl, Jaelynn Willow. They gave me a C section cause they said she was going to be heavier than what she was, so it was pointless but whatever.  She was healthy and she's happy now--at the time, not so much but she got over it. She was supposed to be almost 11 lbs, but she ended up being 7 lbs 15 oz. So it worked out. 6 hours old and she can hold her head up on her own. 1 month old and she can army crawl. She's got her daddy's hair, her mommy's attitude, and her cousin Tiffy's faces!

Baby's daddy, my darling, my loving fiance, bailed as soon as he heard. Took him an hour to get out of Illinois. But you know, I'm happy it ended that way. I would have dumped him anyway. He calls every now and then, a few months between, and asks how me and Jaelynn are doing. But it's forced, and we both know it. I lost his number and he hasn't called in a while. Maybe this is it?

When I moved back to Indiana, I was talking to my ex. He didn't have anything to do, so he said he'd drive me up to Chicago to go get some of my things. Of course I jumped at the opportunity to not only get most of our clothes, but to see him again. I still love him, and we don't see each other anywhere near as often as we used to. That's cause we grew up really. But we never even TALK. So! I jump at it. So he gets to my house, a 2 hour drive, and my little brother decides that he wants to go. But my ex wants for us to be alone. So we evade Jim, and take off. Well, my ex drives down to the park and we pull into the woods. One good thing about a country town, th woods are deserted and no one cares. So he folds down the back seat of the station wagon, and we jump in. We start making out,  and he gets under my shirt, which is fine. But I'm thinking the whole time, "I still love him, and he says he still loves me, but we're never going to get back together. This will be just sex, and we won't talk again for another 6 months. This may mean something more to me, but to him I'm just sex." And that's when he stops kissing me and grabs my face. He looks me in the eye and says "I've been waiting for this for 10 years." Which is about as long as we've known each other. And that makes me feel a little better, but still. So he takes off my sweater and we're making out or whatever and he gets on top of me and pushes my skirtup around my waist. And at that moment I think to myself  "This is SO not what I imagined this would be." Honestly, for me, our relationship wasn't physical. For him it was, he always told me so. But we never even kissed. My interest in him was strongly intellectual, and even though I was extremely attracted to him, I never told him so. I always wanted to, and we held hands but that was about it because--ironically--I wanted to wait til marraige to lose my virginity. We were only like 14, so that was quite a feat. I almost made it too. Anyway, we waited a LONG time and when we fially did have sex, we were not even dating.

And when he was in the middle of it, I looked up at him and he was actually LOOKNG at ME. I was shocked, cause I pegged him for the type to imagine someone else but he called me by my name, not someone else's. I loved him so much then, and I just wanted to cry for it. I screamed in my head, and I wanted to just go somewhere no one could ever find me and scream until my heart and lungs burst. Because I loved him so damn much it killed me. I always have, I always will, and he doesn't even know it. After we finished he wanted to hold me and just lay there but I couldn't. It would kill me. Every time he holds me, I just die in his arms because I can't hold him and call him mine. I don't belong to him. I never will, because I screwed it up years ago over a guy who left me pregnant without a second thought. And God how I wish I could take it back but now he has another girlfriend and she says she loves him but he tells me he doesn't love her. Every time I see his picture, hear is voice, hear his NAME, I just want to cry cause I remember the chance I blew and lost him. And I hate myself for it, but what can I do? Who can I tell? No one, and I did it all to myself. Life suks, and if I knew then what I know now, I would never have let him go.

Currently Listening Foiled for the Last Time By Blue October see related

Quick Update.

Quick update. Well, I AM alive and well, contrary to poplar belief. I'm living with Chuck, which is nice but still I am lacking in what makes me truly happy. PURPOSE. I have no luck in finding a job.

Chuck and I took a trip to Knox, my old town nd my old church. He got the Holy Ghost in a prayer meeting (after Pastor had to rebuke a spirit in him. He had some serious issues in his life that needed dealt with and it was even to the point of Chuck being slain in the Spirit and writhing on the floor). and soon afterward being baptized. All is well an we are going to church up here.

Suzanne is hungry for the Holy Ghost and so is my cousin Tiffany. I am dealing out Bible Studies as fast as they can take them. Pray for the harvest I have blindly stumbled upon.

The Mark of the Beast and the Apocalypse approaches soon. May 11 2008 lurks like a shadow in my mind. Pray against this RFID and give us more time? If it be in His will.

Me and Tony are hanging out more than we ever had. He lives down the street from me and he is already planning on moving with his girlfriend. I have a horrible confession. I have thoughts. Bad thoughts I should not be having about someone of the opposite sex. I hate this and I pray that God purges my mind and my conscience.

Well I said it would be quick. I am at my cousin's house in Chicago right now visiting. It will be a while before I can write back. I hope all is well there and everywhere. Love ya'll! <3.

Currently Listening Vans Warped Tour: 2007 Compilation By Various Artists see related

Okay, here it goes again.